Ten years of love

Ten years ago, I met a man who was sarcastic, quick witted and intriguing. He was able to handle my attitude and sarcastic nature and throw it back at me. A first for me. So I started what I thought would be a simple summer fling. Now ten years later, I look at my husband and smile as I can still see that man in him today.

Levi and I have been together for a full decade now and we are still having a battle of wills and wit. I can tease him so easily while he makes sure he meets my every challenge. His quick wit and sarcastic nature only amplifies mine. His silly and not so serious about himself nature compliments mine. His laid-back attitude about flirting and our relationship goes hand-in-hand with my own. He is simply my match in all the ways that I feel count.

My husband has spent the last 10 years challenging me, making me laugh and smile, and pushing me to be my best while always being by my side. Sure we have had our fights, and down moments. Even our make it or break it moments. But we have gotten through them all and all without ever losing our love.

In the last 10 years, we have moved homes as well as states. We have gone from just the two of us, to a full blown family. And recently, just shy of our 10 year anniversary, we have completed our family with the birth of 4th child. We have grown personally as individual as well as a couple. We have weathered through some rough personal times as well as amazing times. We have endured 2 pregnancies to term while still maintaining and keeping me in college. It has been 10 years of laughter, companionship, love and so much more.

Honestly these last 10 years often feel like a dream to me. I have met and been with the best man and perfect husband that anyone could ask for. And I am looking forward to so many more years with him.

Pregnancy and birth

I honestly wish I could write down every moment, every second of this pregnancy, good and bad, simply so I could remember it all in great detail. As always, it was a beautiful experience for me even if it started out kind of scary.

I found out I was pregnant shortly after my miscarriage. While I was very happy to be pregnant, I was also terrified of losing this baby too. This led my husband and I to not tell anyone we were expecting until shortly before the doctors appointment. I can't even explain the relief the sound of that lil heartbeat brought out in me.

Much like my other pregnancies, I experienced nausea through out the whole thing but not as strongly as the other ones. And of course, I experienced the normal (for me) extreme hip and back pain. However this one was different in how the baby would sit. The baby sat low and between my hips the whole time. I often felt kicks to my bladder and cervix (ouch) which I felt most often during my 11 o'clock class. (She didn't like thermodynamics...I didn't either). When she got bigger, she still preferred to stay low which helped with breathing but not the heartburn. God, did the heartburn suck. And her hiccups would cause my belly to look like it was pulsating. It made me giggle every time.

We once again opted to find out what we were having due to my husband wishes. His theory is if we didn't find out with the first 2 and they were boys...then if we find out with the last 2, they will be girls. His theory seemed to prove right. He was so happy and excited. I was too. But once again, the boys were even more happy. They both wanted a second sister and they were getting it. My daughter, being less than a yr, was content to just play and giggle.

As my belly grew, so did the kids' excitement. They would ask about the baby and when she was going to be here. They also talked about holding her and taking care of her. My daughter also got clinger and demanded more Mommy time. I was happy to accommodate her as I knew I was also about to lose a lot of our cuddle time. This, of course, meant I spent a lot of late nights doing homework since I would push it off until all the kids went to bed. And being a full time college student meant I had a lot of homework. More than I care to even think about. But I managed it.

This time around I went a full school year pregnant and made it through without any issues...which is good and kind of crazy if you think about it. The fall semester was full of labs, constant tests and group semester project/presentation. The spring semester was full of extreme demands from me. From a class that was nothing but group semester project to another class that was labs built on labs and another final group project plus all normal tests and homework...my life was really crazy and complicated. That last month was so incredibly busy and stressful. And no one really knew I was pregnant but a select few people like my group members. (Altho I think my professors figured it out when I walked in the last week with no hoodies and a big belly. Lol). I ended the school year at 8 months pregnant and so ready for a break but still a need to get other things ready.

I had a full month to get the house in order and to relax with just my kids. I got the time I needed with my oldest daughter who was about to become a big sister. It was the month I truly needed...even tho I did get kind of anxious to meet my new baby .

So I once again, opted to be induced like I did with my oldest daughter...but once again, it didn't matter. I was having contractions well before I went in which is probably why everything went so quickly and why my doctors prediction came true. I got the induction medicine in about an hr and a half after I got to the hospital. My water was broken an hr after that and I quickly got my epidural which I was very quickly grateful for. By the time I had gotten my epidural I hadn't slept in well over 24 hrs and had very lil naps to sustain me from the day (and night) before. So I was exhausted and knew I still had pushing to do. So I tried to nap as much as I could (which ended up being a minute at a time....maybe 3 to 5 if I was lucky).

See, every time I get an epidural, it ends up work immediately on my right side. However it takes time to reach my left side...more specifically my left hip/joint area. With my oldest child, it took effect only after they rolled me on my left side and gave me a button to push. With my second son, it took a lot longer than the first because they rolled me to right side first. And with my oldest daughter, I was never fully numb there. I always felt a lil bit of pressure and could feel the catheter the entire time. I also felt the ring of fire when I was pushing her out. With this last one, I felt a constant sharp pain in my joint, like a knife jabbing with every contraction. It never went away even when I pushed the button.

I would later realize it was actually my baby's head pushing on a nerve with every contraction. However, I wouldn't realize this until they came to check me when I told them I think it was time to push. The induction medicine took effect fast and all of a sudden on one of the contractions, I felt a lot of pressure. I told my husband I need the nurse to come check me. They confirmed that I was fully dilated and ready and they (being the nurses and resident doctors helping my doctor) all left to get things ready and to call the doctor. At which point I felt another contraction and a very strong urge to push. I told Levi that nope I wasn't just ready, I needed to push and they needed to get back here. My doctor arrived basically to just catch my daughter as with a few pushes she was out and I had delivered before noon like my doctor predicted. Literally this was all in less than 10 minutes.

My doctors and nurses were quiet shocked actually at how well and fast things went. My nurses and resident doctors kept talking about how calm I was both during my labor and my delivery. My doctor was like 'nope. She is pretty chill about it all.' And honestly having the same doctor for and deliver all 4 kids was awesome.

So my fourth and last pregnancy has come to an end. I will honestly miss being pregnant as I really did love it. I will miss all the kicks, and movements. I will even miss the hiccups that made my belly shake...even at 4 am. But I now have my baby to hold and love. And that makes me so happy.

My biggest losses

As I look into the eyes of my newborn, I am filled with such joy and happiness. My lil girl is everything I could hope for. Just like her siblings, she is quiet and content to just to be held. But as I hold her, I am also filled with the tinges of sadness and regret for a child I will never meet and only carried for a brief time.
Yes, I had a miscarriage shortly before my daughter and sadly, it wasn't my first. I had a miscarriage shortly before I became pregnant with my oldest child. I was just beginning to think I might be pregnant when it happened. It was devastating and left me in shock. But I didn't have kids and I hadn't experienced a full pregnancy, so mostly it just left me sad at what could of been. A lost blimp of hope. An unknown baby with unknown promise.

However, my other miscarriage happened after I had carried to term 3 beautiful souls. Three times I felt their growing presence. Three times I felt all their little kicks and movements. Three times I had pushed living pieces of my heart out of my body and into this world. Three times I got to meet three beautiful and wonderful creatures. So when I saw the positive mark on the test, I simply couldn't understand why I was so hesitant to tell anyone but my husband despite my extreme happiness. Unfortunately, I would discover what my intuition already knew a week later.

Losing that baby was beyond devastating to me. And to my husband. I was left in a fog of despair that simply refused to lift. But having my husband there, feeling what I felt, helped me so much. I had him to lean on and support me through it all. He was my anchor through that storm of turmoil, darkness and devastation. He understood even when I couldn't even explain anything. We lost another beautiful but unknown baby.

So I look at my newborn and feel so much love and joy with her. But I also feel that tinge of sadness and regret at what could have been for both of my babies I lost. I simply just can't help but wonder what their laughs would have sounded like. Or how their smiles would have lit up their face. Or what they were, boy or girl? Would they have the kind and caring heart like my oldest son? Or would they be the daredevil like my second son? Would they have the independent streak like my oldest daughter? Or would they have the mixture looks of their older siblings, like my newborn does? Regardless, those 2 babies, my lil starlights, have a piece of my heart.

The lost connections

Four kids giggle and shriek. Four kids play and run about. Four kids bridge the gap of time and find their family connection. As I watch my kids play with their cousins, I feel a sense of joy and happiness. All four kids are fairly close in age and get along so well that no matter how much time has past since they have last seen each other, they act like it never happened. They are always happy to see each other and have a fairly close bond. However, as I watch them play, I can't help but feel a sense of sorrow and loss.

You see, while the cousins my kids are playing with are their cousins "from out of town," they also have cousins that are just across town they have never played with or even met. You see, this set of cousins are forbidden from seeing us let alone having play dates simply because the mother doesn't like me or my husband. (Actually I believe she hates us). Her rules state that if "you are not friends with her, then you are not friends with her family" and are not allowed to see them at all. So despite the fact they live less than 15 minutes from us, the kids have never gotten to play with their cousins.

(Although I will admit it wasn't completely all her fault. My husband and I chose to keep our children away from her and the venom she likes to spew about my husband and I or our family. We chose to protect our children from seeing what unhealthy relationship looks like and getting a warped view of romance from it. Simply put, we chose to keep and protect our children from what we saw was a bad situation and maintain their innocent view of the world as long as possible).

So I feel a sense of sorrow and loss for my kids because they will never know what they have lost or are missing out on. They will never know the laughter they could have shared with their cousins or the crazy adventures they could have gone on. They will never know the strong bond of friendship they could have shared like their fathers' once had. Nor will they ever know the strong family bond that could have been there. And I know that neither will the other kids know what they have lost.

So instead, I watch my kids play with their other cousins and revel in their happiness I see so clearly written on their faces while I quietly mourn their loss they will probably never realize they had.

(After I had written this blog, my kids did finally get to meet and play with one of their cousins. It was as I predicted. They got along so well and played so nicely together. They just simply clicked. It made my heart ache more for them because they still don't know or even understand their loss. Neither side of the kids do and that is just so heartbreakingly sad to me).

To my long lost friend

My friend,

It has been so long since I have seen you and even longer since I have talked you. I find myself thinking about you lately. I must admit I miss you. I miss our long talks and our back and forth banter. Simply put, I miss my friend. I know things have changed over the years and you are no longer "allowed" to talk to me. But I have just been wondering...

How have you been? How are things in your life? How are the kids? How is work going for you? Are you happy? Are you content? I often wonder these things. I hope you are doing well and that life is good for you. I hope the kids doing well and I imagine they are growing like weeds. It has been truly so long since I have seen lil squeakers and I have never met the lil man. I hoped beyond hope that you are happy and content with your life. And in all honesty, I had hoped I was wrong all these years and that things had gotten better for you in your relationship/life.

Yes, I hoped that but the stories I hear tell me differently. They are stories that are new but tell an old tale. Fights and belittlement. Control and suppression. Faked smiles and hidden pain.

I must admit, initially, it angered me that you stayed despite how miserable you clearly were. It was so clear how unhealthy the relationship was. Everyone told you so and even you, yourself, recognized it. Relationships should be built upon trust, respect, honesty and equal say. Yours was all control, yelling, and constant accusations. Her abuse of you was clear for anyone to see. Five minutes in a room with you two and it was clear something was wrong. Ten or more minutes in the room with you two and it was clear exactly what was wrong.

I would listen for hours you talk about how miserable you were and how you wanted to end the relationship. And yet you stayed. Why wouldn't you just follow through with what you said you were going to do? Why wouldn't you end the miserable relationship? I just couldn't understand it. At least not until years later. So I was angry that you just wouldn't "man up" and end it. Then a psychology class I took explained it all. I get it. I understand. I don't agree with it but I get it and I am no longer angry with you.

However, I still feel the relationship is unhealthy for everyone involved and it should end. I saw you not long ago. You were getting food and didn't notice your cousin behind you or me. I saw you stop and look at the video game store with such longing and clear hesitation. Then I watched you slowly walk away. And when you returned with her, you finally noticed us and quickly plastered the fake smile I know to well on your face. And all I could do was shake my head with sadness and watch you walk away.  My friend, I just wished you knew that your happiness should matter and be the thing you seek. If you need help all you have to do is reach out and ask. We all would be there. We would support you through it all.

Mostly, my friend, I just want to say to you is that I miss you. I wish we could sit down and catch up. I wish you and your kids the best.

Yes, I provoked my cyber-bully into bullying me

Professional victim. Hmmm. Yup. That was the thought going thru my head when I read the article a family member posted. In their case, the article pertained to a situation they were going thru with someone they had been with. However, when I read it, I was reminded of a few people I know but more specifically a person who bullied me for years.

My high school years were filled with personal family drama, friends, fun and crazy times. However, the interesting part about my high school years was that I was never bullied during that time. No, the bullying came right after high school graduation. The girl who bullied me was a girl I had helped and befriended. She was someone I had seen, met a few times in passing and heard a lot of rumors about in high school. I ignored all those rumors and my own instinct when I decided to help the girl out our senior yr. To say the girl played on my sympathy card is an understatement. She was scared, alone, and pregnant...and friendless. (I now know the reason for that last part. Hindsight is always 20/20).

You see, I spent the better part of 9 months helping the girl out in every way you can imagine. I helped her thru any issues she had including relationship issues. I helped her and her s.o. pack and move. And when the baby came, I helped more. I got food, cleaned their house, and found babysitters (usually my sister) when they wanted to go out and party. Then, less than two weeks after we graduated, things changed.

I became her number one enemy...to her anyway. She attacked me for everything. From the people I hung out with, to the way I looked, for who and how many people I had been in a relationship with, to my family, my religion and, of course, my sexuality...for how many people I had been with, to what I had/hadn't done and when, and who I was interested in. And by interested in, I, of course, mean she would repeatedly say I was an lesbian...and then 5 mins later state how ugly I was and how I could not getting any guy unless they were desperate, (like my husband, of course).

But then harassing me about those things wasn't enough. If anything good happened in my life and I posted about it, I soon got a letter/note/email telling me how horrible I was and how I should just die. If I posted about my babies in anyway, I would soon see the message about how my children weren't really all that great or smart. If something happened in her life that wasn't good, I would receive another message about how shitty I was. I was the reason our mutual friends left her side, for I had only sent them to spy on her. I was the reason her and her s.o. had "no home" and he lived out of the car while she slept comfortably in her mother's house. I was the only reason they had financial issues and their car was in bad condition. So on and so forth.

And when anyone said anything in my defense, myself and my husband included, we were informed I deserved it because I "backstabbed" her. It was my fault, I deserved it. She would later go on to say I provoked her and that is the reason I deserved everything she said and did to me. And you know what, she was right.

I provoked her when I got with the guy whom she was attracted to who also just happened to be her s.o.'s cousin. I provoked her when my relationship with said guy became more than a summer fling. I provoked her even more when I got engaged. I provoked her when I had a baby, for no one could really want me and only her s.o. could be the father, of course. I provoked her when I became pregnant with my second child, for how dare I do that?! I provoked her when I continue to have and make friends. I provoked her when I worked things out with and continued to be friends with the friends she had "turned" against me. I provoked her when I continued to live my life and have a happy family. I mean, honestly, how dare I?!

How dare I not become the raving virginal whore that she claimed I was? How dare I continue to have a happy and working relationship with the man she wanted? How dare I marry into the family she was "already apart of" for 2 more years than me. How dare I have children with the man I loved? How dare I have those kids so close in age because I simply wasn't "adult enough" to know what causes pregnancy? How dare I not be friendless and suffering in my loneliness? I dare I have a good life when she did not? How dare I be happy when she was not? And my biggest crime against her: How dare I not be a broken, crumpled mess when she tried so hard to tear me down? How dare I not take her crap lying down? How dare I call her on her cyber-bullying? How dare I fight back against her?! HOW DARE I?!?!?!

Basically, everything I did provoked her. But the biggest thing I did that provoked her was not letting her beat me down. She only ever attacked me openly online, on social media sites. Sure, she spread rumors about me and a lot of other crap about me behind my back. But whenever she was confronted with me face to face, she would turn around and run, and run fast.

I stood strong against her. I did not let her words or hatred of me run or ruin my life. I simply chose to live my life to the fullest I could. I also chose to fight back at certain times. I would point out the ridiculous and often contradictory things she would say. Often her arguments and points made little to no sense. As a logical person, this was hard for me to deal with. So I, of course, would point out how illogical her arguments and points were. And yes, I did make fun of the whole ridiculous situation.

It didn't take me long to figure out the very things she attacked me for were due to her own weaknesses. If she called me a whore and unattractive, I knew these were the views she had of herself. If she attacked me for sending friends to "spy on her," I knew this is why she cultivated my friends...that and trying so desperately to make me friendless. Her biggest fears and insecurities were the very the things she projected onto me.

She was the one who was weak, friendless, lonely and insecure. She was/is the one in a loveless marriage with a man who couldn't stand her. She was the one who had such a poor view of herself and couldn't stand the person she was. She was the one who was so miserable that she couldn't deal with it and had to bring everyone down with her. I was just the one person she couldn't break and that drove her insane with rage and jealousy.

In all honesty, I felt sorry for her. To live such a miserable life where no one wanted you or to be around you is rough. But rather than fix the problems, she blamed others. And when others asked why she attacked them, she justified her actions by telling everyone else that they deserved it by "stabbing her in the back." Yes she played the "professional victim" well...until someone did something to provoke her ire and then they saw the true her. And then they dropped her on her ass. But then again...I only sent them to spy on her because I wanted her to bully me and provoked her to do so. Yup, I provoked by cyber-bully into bullying me by simply being happy, strong, and living my life while she was miserable, weak, and living a miserable ghost of a life.

Pregnancy, birth and now her

Pregnancy is always an amazement to me. Our bodies grow another lil body, a person who becomes our world for the next 18 yrs or so. And I have been lucky enough to experience this three times. My first pregnancy had me in aw and wonderment. My second one had me in aw, wonderment, and familiarity. My third pregnancy had all those things plus cherishment.

My first and second pregnancies were so similar. With my first 2 pregnancies, I had nausea all day, all through the pregnancy. Smells, tastes and even sights of certain food would set it off. I grew and had the normal aches and pains that every pregnant woman has. But there were only a couple of major differences with my 1st two pregnancies from each other. With the 1st pregnancy, I was so tired in the 1st and 3rd trimester. I literally slept 12hrs straight at the end of my 1st pregnancy. But I felt very little fatigue at all thru my 2nd pregnancy. My 1st pregnancy I had heartburn only the last month. But with my 2nd pregnancy, I had serious heartburn the whole last trimester. I seriously thought I would die. Ugh. It was the worst.

My third pregnancy was both similar and totally different from my other two. I had nausea...but at random times. And yes, certain smells, tastes and sounds would set it off. My lack of desire for food and nothing really "sounding good" to eat was also the same as the other two...but much stronger. I also would throw up randomly with this pregnancy. I was pretty much tired all the way thru this pregnancy but the 1st and 3rd trimesters were the worst. I would literally get so physically exhausted that I would have to rest. It made school pretty difficult especially since I couldn't just push through those moments to get homework done. But I somehow managed to do it. Hell, I made it through my entire fall semester pregnant. I say I did pretty damn good.

Another thing that was different from my other 2 was where the baby would sit. My oldest son would sit between my hips and push out against them. My second son would sit at a diagonal from my ribs to my hips and push out. But this lil one decided to sit as low as she could in my hips. I often felt like a bowling ball was about to come out. lol.

As with my other pregnancies, my husband was ecstatic and super supportive of me. He came with me to each and every one of my Dr.'s appointments...just like he did with the other two. He would happily and contently rub and talk to my belly. He would also fall asleep to the baby kicking him. lol. My kids were just as happy as their daddy. They would constantly ask when the baby was coming out and tell us how much they loved her. They would also talk to and kiss my belly whenever they could. They would tell us how they were going to teach the baby how to do this or that. It was all so cute.

As for me, I was over the moon happy. I was carrying my third child. How could I not be? I seriously love being pregnant...even tho it can be extremely painful for me. My hips normally pop in and out of place on their own. I don't know why they do it. It is just normal for my body. With pregnancy...my hips come "unhinged" as I like to call it. They pop all the time, with every movement. Simply walking becomes a symphony of loud pops. The back pain I normally experience increases by tenfold. But I don't care. Because every lil butterfly movement brings me soaring joy. Every lil kick, punch or roll brings a smile to my face. It truly is an experience I wouldn't give up for the world.

I wouldn't even give up the really painful part: labor. Labor and I actually seem to get a long fairly well. And by that, I mean, labor doesn't make me want to die. lol. I seem to have fairly nice and quick labors. And this time was no different, even though I chose to be induced.

While I chose to be induced this time around, it didn't matter. When we went in, I was already having contractions that were 6 minutes apart...which once again to my nature, I barely felt. From the moment they actually induced me to the moment I gave birth, it was 8 hrs. I spent most of that time just relaxing and watching my husband sleep with his head in my lap (since we knew we would be induced that day neither one of us really slept the night before...even though he managed to get about a 2hr nap in) and talking with my family. About half way thru, I did opt for an epidural so I could get some rest. My epidural never really took full effect and just kinda dulled the pain. But that was ok. It meant I could really feel when it was time to push.

Once again, like with my second child, pushing was fairly quick. 6 pushes and my lil girl was out. A beautiful, healthy girl. And while she was the best and my favorite Christmas gift (and for my husband and kids), she was all that and the best b-day gift for my brother. She was born on his b-day...and his golden one to boot. He was the happiest and proudest kid I have ever seen.

Although we found out the gender with this baby (at the request of Levi), we had her named picked out yrs ago because we knew we would be having more children. The name we chose is kinda unique but also very important to us for it is one we have loved for so long. And even tho we found out the gender, I knew what I was having before we found out. I had been dreaming about her for the last 2 yrs. I dreamed about holding a lil dark haired girl with the most beautiful eyes. I dreamed of her smile, giggles and how much joy she would bring our family.

The kids had also been telling us we would have another lil one as well...for the past 2yrs. My oldest looked straight at his father one day and said "Next year, I am going to be a big brother. I am going to have a baby sister." And a yr later he was right. So I guess the kids dreamed about her too.

So while my 3rd pregnancy was both the same and different from other two, I loved it. I am glad my labor was quick and easy. But mostly, I am just in love with my daughter. I am so happy to have her here in my arms. I love watching her and her brothers together. I love watching my boys tell their sister how much they love her and trying to play with her. I love seeing my husband with our daughter in his arms.

I will admit, tho, I miss seeing my husband bend down and kiss my belly. I miss him laying his head on my belly and talking to her. I miss my kids singing silly lil things to my belly and hearing them ask when she is coming. But all those moments have been replaced with the sights and sounds of them actually holding her and talking to her. While I will still miss feeling her lil kicks, and punches, even a month later, I am so happy to see her beautiful face every morning. For I know that all those lil kick and punches have been replaced with our nursing time. The moments when I breastfeed her and listen to her talk or even sing to me...just like she did the other morning. These are the moments I live for.

Pregnant college student...oh boy!

Leaves fall from the trees as I walk across campus to my next class. Not really a new sight for me since this is my 3rd fall semester there. However, every little kick and movement the lil being in my tummy makes turns it a new experience for me, a new perspective. Yes I am pregnant and I am still going to college.

It seems kinda fitting that my 3rd year of college begins with me about to bring my 3rd child into this world. It is just another reminder to me as to why I am going to school in the first place: to provide a better life for my family and myself. So I go and I learn new things that interest me (or frustrate me depending on the day). And every lil kick or punch or slight movement helps propel me on.

I found out in the beginning of April I was expecting our third child. Levi and I were ecstatic but our enthusiasm was nothing compared to the kids. They were just giant balls of happiness and giddiness. All they talked about was the baby and even asked everyday if today was the day they would meet the baby. So cute. When I found out, I still had a month left of my spring semester. It was an interesting month. Morning sickness and extreme fatigue combined with my already being burnt out, busy schedule, and getting ready for finals was a perfect storm for disaster. Yet I managed to do it all and do it all fairly well. I knew being pregnant and going to college wouldn't be easy but I knew I could do it and I wasn't all that concerned about it.

I think it helps that I am not a scared teenage girl desperately trying to hold onto my boyfriend and keep him from leaving me. I am a grown adult who is fully aware of the choices I make and all the "consequences." I am in a stable relationship with a man who is my partner, lover, friend, and biggest supporter. Going to school, none the less a tough engineer school, and being pregnant is definitely not easy but it is possible. I am now in my third trimester and I do get tired very easily. I now also have two school aged children who do have homework at night. Yet I still manage to get it all done, just like I knew I would.

 So yes, I choose to continue my education while being pregnant. Instead of just getting mine and the kids homework done, I am also trying to get ready for my lil one. I go to school on certain days, labs on other and Dr.'s appointments on another. After working on homework, I work on baby stuff: setting up bassinet/playpen, moving things around to make way for the baby, and getting clothes/blankets/essentials that we will need. I am a pregnant college student and I am proud of where I am.

Airing my dirty laundry...Oh my! (Part I)

Sometimes, we come to a point in our lives where we reflect not just upon the past but the present. We sit and analyze our not just our lives but ourselves, what makes us who and what we are. This is one of those times in my life. So I am going to air out my dirty laundry.

Things I don't do/have never done:

My Relationship:
My relationship with my husband is not nonstop fighting: No, my relationship with my husband is not "perfect" by any means. Yes, we do fight on occasion. However, our relationship is not full of or nothing but fighting. We have spent a couple of weeks fighting or even a couple of months where we bickered back and forth with each other over ridiculous things but never longer than that. Even during those couple of weeks fighting, it was still never nonstop. We would often times have a few days where we argued for a couple of hours over a few big things. When things got really heated we left each other alone for a while and then hashed things out at a later time when we both had time to cool off and think. Yes, communications is our big secret on how we manage to last. If we bicker a couple of months (and I do mean bicker and not fighting), it was usually because we annoyed one another (as couples living together sometimes do) and us needing space or outside things stressing us out. We know that most of the time when we bicker, it is outside sources stressing one or the other or both of us out. It has nothing to do with one or the other actually having a problem. But still even during those times, the good times still out way the bad. We have never spent months or years just fighting with each other...which is usually a sign the relationship is falling apart. In fact, our days, lives and relationship is mostly full of laughter, love and fun times. (Is yours?)

I have never argued with my husband in public especially in front of friends and/or family: My husband and I know there are times and places to fight and a social setting is not one of them. If either one of us has an issue with the other, we handle it in private. Not only is it wrong and poorly mannered to sit there and fight in front of people who invited ya out to have a fun time, but it is awkward for the others having to sit and watch. Both Levi and I have been to events (both together and separately) where this happened and it often times ruins the whole event. The couple fighting or the person getting yelled at are miserable and so are the rest of the people at the gathering. Everyone always goes home feeling horrible and upset the evening was ruined. (Also the couple is usually avoided at all cost at that point and never invited out again because they ruined everyone's evening).

Now, I am not saying you can't be upset with your partner. It is ok to be mad/upset with your partner but the situation can always be handled later. For example, Levi and I went out for a couples night with another couple who were friends of ours. My friend found out about something her bf had done and never told her. She wasn't happy about it all and it was evident to everyone there that she wasn't. However, we all spent several more hours together enjoying ourselves and having a good time. When they got home, they dealt with the issue. She called and later apologized to me for being so upset. I just laughed and reassured her it was no big deal since she didn't start a fight right there with her bf or even let it ruin the evening. We all knew she was unhappy but the issue that made her unhappy was handled in private and that is all that mattered to Levi or I. And that is really how all issues in a relationship should be handled. Unless you catch the significant other in public cheating and just lose it, there is no reason it can't be handled in private.

My children have never seen my husband and I fight nor ever told/begged us to stop fighting: There really is no reason to fight in front of your children. Both Levi and I can get upset with each other when our kids are around but we just keep our mouths shut and are polite to each other until we have a moment behind closed doors or the kids aren't around to hash out the issue. I also feel if your child (especially at the age of 2) ever asks you and your significant other to stop fighting then obviously you guys have been doing a lot of it and the relationship needs to be fixed or (more often then not) it is over.

We are not distrustful of each other: We don't check each other's phone, fb or emails. It is not that neither of us don't have a chance since we both know each other's passwords (8yrs together, you kinda know these things), and leave our fb profiles up on our computers but it just isn't necessary. Why? Simple, we talk to each other. We don't keep secrets from each other and have no reason to. We fix the issues we have with each other. We give each other space when either needs it. We understand that we are each individuals with individual desires and respect that.

He has never broken up with me just so he can go screw my friend or someone else or vice versa. He has never caught me trying to cheat on him by texting and trying to get with his friend or anyone else or vice versa. Why? Because we are happy with each other and happy to be together. Another thing, we both have been subject to infidelity rumors and been informed by others that one or the other is cheating/has cheated. We have even been informed that Levi is not the father of our kids or even that they have the same father. In fact, his cousin is (supposedly) the father of my oldest (something I predicted would be said months before this "truth" came to "light"). However, we generally just laugh at these rumors or "suggestions" because we know the truth. We know what each other will and will not do. We know that all these things signify unrest or unhappiness in the relationship which we are not. We also know that most of these "predictions" and rumors are other people's issues being projected onto us or simply that other's desire to divide and destroy us.

We are not together because of our children: Our children are not the thing that binds us together. We are together because we love each other and want to be together. We do, however, have children because we are together. (This difference is very important and should be remembered).

I have never blamed my husband for something I did: Nor would I ever do that. No matter how bad my mistake or errors, I would never blame them on my husband or anyone else. I would never do this especially in public or on a social media site just to save myself from being villainized. Nor would my husband. My husband and I believe in owning up to our mistakes and errors especially since we are adults. We have raised our kids to take responsibility for the mistakes, a concept they grasped since they were about 2. So if a child can get this concept down so can an adult. (I also love and respect my husband too much to do any of that. And vice versa).

I could never be with someone who didn't own up to their mistakes and chose to blame me instead. Nor will I ever understand or respect someone who does. I could never have or raise children with someone like that. Nor will I ever understand or respect someone who does. Not only do I view someone who can't/won't take responsibility for their own wrong doings as an immature child but selfish. It is also incredibly disrespectful to your significant other if you blame them for your error. So obviously if a person does this, it means they don't care about and have no respect for their significant other. Why would anyone stay with someone like that? I sure as hell wouldn't.

I would never forbid or stop my husband from talking to his family just because one said something about or against me: Levi's family means the world to him as I know mine does to me. So for either one of us to tell the other that they can't talk to their family simply because we don't like what a particular family member had to say about us together or as individuals is a big no-no. As a matter of fact, this would be the ending our relationship.

Levi and I are not stupid though. We knew when we got together that not everyone would like our significant other or want us together. We also understand that there will sometimes be disagreements between our significant other and one of our family members. This is just to be expected. No family gets along perfectly all the time. However, I know better than to try and cut my husband off from his family and vice versa. No matter what the disagreement was between my in-law and myself, I would never tell my husband he couldn't talk to them. I would never delete their numbers from his phone or block them on his fb. Why? Because I love Levi and do not try to control and isolate him. I don't care if my in-law said I was a bad mother or the worst person for husband. I respect my husband and his relationship with his family. The same all goes for my husband.

(Blog to be continued.......)

Airing my dirty laundry...Oh my! (Part II)

(Previous blog continued....)

My Family:
I am not ashamed of my large family: I come from a very large family especially in this day and age, which I am proud of. I have four rambunctious brothers, two crazy sisters, and two loving parents. Yes, sometimes my family can be a pain in my ass and dealing with my siblings can be extremely frustrating. However, I can't imagine having one less sibling. Each one of my siblings has a unique dynamic or attribute that they contribute to the family. Each one of us makes our family who and what it is. Despite how large our family is, we are very close. Whenever one of us are having a problem or need of the family, we are there for each other...always and forever. I love them and I can't imagine my life without them. The older I get, the closer I get to my siblings. I have bonded with each one of them over different interests that we have or one of our weird personality traits. Knowing all this and I just have to laugh when people try to make me feel ashamed of them. We may be a large family but we are a loving family and always there for each other. (Can you say the same for yours?)

I am not ashamed of my father or his mental illness: My father is a brilliant, kind and strong man and the best father anyone could ask for. My father is always there for my family and I. He is always there to help with the grandkids and very much a part of their lives. Yes, my father has schizophrenia, a mental illness caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. While my father may have this illness, it does not define him. He still does everything a normal father does. He still does everything a normal husband does. He still does everything a normal human being does. In other words, my father is still my father and I couldn't love him more. He has taught me so much and given me the drive I need to push through any obstacle that comes my way. I proud to call him my father and always love how he has always been and still is there for me. (Can you same the same about yours?)

I have never hid any of my pregnancies nor not wanted any of my children: Despite popular belief and rumors, none of my pregnancies were hidden from the world nor were any of my children unwanted. Levi and I told our families first with each pregnancy and only told others after we had seen the doctor. With my second pregnancy, Levi and I chose not to announce to the "world" (aka social media) right away that we were expecting again for a couple of simple reasons: One, we were too busy raising our first child and two, we were too busy living our lives otherwise. While we may have chosen not to saying anything to the world (aka social media sites), we did tell our close friends and any friends we talked to or ran into. We did eventually announce to the world (again aka social media) that we were expecting again...when I had reached my 2nd trimester...a very common thing.

While I was ecstatic and confident with my 1st child, I will admit I was terrified with my 2nd. My 1st child was only 6 months old when we found out we were expecting our 2nd. While my husband and father of my children couldn't have been happier, I wasn't sure I was ready to do it all over again. Was I ready to go all through the crazy hormones and random pains? Could I manage to deal with 2 tiny lil ones? After a phone call to my mother (who promptly laughed at me for 15 mins straight. Seriously, she couldn't talk. All because she knew how I was feeling and what was going thru my head...since it went thru hers 20yrs before when she found out she was expecting my brother so soon after she had me) and a reassuring hug from Levi, I was ready for what I faced. And I will add here that even tho I freaked out, it never once crossed my mind to end the pregnancy or anything close to not wanting the child. Just my ability to manage. So yes, my children were/are wanted and loved (and same goes to any future children I may or may not have). While I may not have announced to the world (aka social media) that I was expecting, it was never a secret. More an issue of wanting to tell people in person. This will all be true for any and all pregnancies or future pregnancies I have.

(Blog to be continued...)

Airing my dirty laundry...Oh my! (Part III)

(Previous blog continued...)

Me, personally:
I have never publicly divulged my religious beliefs: Despite anyone's personal delusional beliefs, I have never said or claimed to be any religion. There is a few reasons for this. One, I don't need validation from others for my beliefs and two, I simply don't care what others have to say about my religious beliefs being right or wrong. I know that no matter what I choose to believe or not believe, there will always be someone to tell me how wrong my beliefs are and how right theirs are.

I also don't share the same religious beliefs as my husband...at all. However, like my husband, I have chosen to learn about other religions. I understand that there is no right or wrong religion and that each one has an interesting point or interpretation of "the great mysteries of the world." It is those things I am interested in learning about. Also how can I judge a religion when I know nothing about it? I can't without looking like an ignorant fool...so I learn. For instance, Wicca is not an ancient religion like people try to claim it as...but a modern one. I also know it isn't "devil worship" either. I also don't claim tolerance of any and all religions and then bash others for their beliefs in a clear intolerance of the religion. (Simply put, I am not a hypocrite).

I do not share the same political views as my husband: Many ppl would say this is a big no-no in a relationship...however, I disagree. My husband and I may have differing political opinions but it just marks another interesting dynamic in our relationship. It means we can have very interesting (and sometimes "heated") debates. We both can see both sides of an issue or argument, which I love. I love that I can talk to someone and get the opposite side of me! Who wants to be with someone who constantly agrees with everything you say? Not me! I also love the fact that sometimes I win, or he wins, or it is a draw when it comes to our debates.

I do not "gay bash" someone and then claim to be in support of gay rights: I do not call someone gay or an lesbian in a way or act like it is a nasty infectious disease.....and then claim to support gay marriages and rights! My husband and I both have been subject to this kind of treatment. My husband has had people imply or say he is gay. And I have been called and informed I am a lesbian. (At one point someone even claimed I was a divorced lesbian! Lol). These "implications" were all said in a tone that implied it was bad or a nasty infectious disease one could catch and was to be avoided. The very same people who said this would then turn around and claim they supported gay rights with things like NoH8 or #Equalrights or something to that effect. These people absolutely disgust me. They are nothing but hypocrites and outright liars. They also provide me with the perfect example of who I don't want to be.

Whenever my husband I are called gay/lesbian, all we do is laugh because we are quite comfortable in our own sexuality to know the truth and simply don't care. I also don't take being a lesbian as an insult...but rather a compliment. I mean honestly...gay, straight, bi, or whatever my sexuality or interests, it just means I am a human...so why be upset? Also while I support and make it known of my support of gay rights...or human rights as I like to call them....I do not need to "broadcast" it to the world aka social media sites because I don't need validation for my support. I support and work for change...and that is all I need to know and do. I don't need someone to tell what I am doing is right (or wrong depending on different views).

I am not ashamed of my sexual history: Despite others' desperate attempts, I am not ashamed of my sexual history. I am not ashamed of who I gave my virginity to. I didn't sleep with the first guy who came along or the first person to tell me I was hot, pretty, or loved me. I wasn't 13/14 yrs old sleeping with 30 + yr old men and hadn't slept with 10, 20, or 30 guys by the time I had reached 15/16 yrs old...so as far as I am concerned, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am perfectly ok with what I have done and with whom. I also know that those who have tried to shame me about what I have done are actually the ones who are ashamed and perhaps jealous that they can't say the same for themselves.

I am also amused when others assume because they think they know a bit about my sexual history that they know about my husband's. (You don't have a clue and aren't privy to that information But I do know and am privy to that information. I know all of it!)

I have never stressed the fact that using birth control makes me an adult: The choice to use birth control doesn't make you an adult, just like the choice not to use birth control doesn't mean you aren't. As a matter of fact, it is all about maturity. A mature person will understand that using birth control or not using it is about understanding consequences. Using birth control may prevent pregnancy but it isn't a 100% percent thing. Not using birth control means the likelihood of getting pregnant is increased...but not guaranteed either. So in simpler words: sex and all its consequences is something a mature person understands.

And anyone who has to repeatedly state they are "adults" for using birth control are not adults. In fact, they are immature children and should, in fact, stop being sexually active until they mature and understand the complexity of sex. For they will also be the people who think it takes "years to learn" what your partner wants/likes in bed. (It doesn't. Only a couple of months max...with the understanding that sexual interests change and involve).

I have never sold my stuff because I couldn't control my spending habits: If I can't afford something, I wait until I can. I don't care if it is something for me, or my husband or my kids, if it isn't necessary it can wait. My bills and other financial responsibilities come first. I, of course, feel this is a no brainer..but then again, for some it isn't.

I am not friendless: I have many friends...but very few close friends. This is exactly how I want it. My best friends and I have been friends since high school...or even earlier. We can go months without talking or seeing each other do to how our busy lives are or the different directions our lives have taken. However, when we do talk and/or see each other, it is like nothing has changed. As for the rest of my friends...well they aren't really words to describe them. They are crazy, fun, lovable and so much more. Some are new and some are old. Regardless, they are my friends and totally understanding when I just "drop off the face of the earth." They get I am mom, wife, and college student. My life is fairly hectic on the best of days and they are there when I need them and know I am there when they need me..no matter what.

Now, I may not change friends often, but I still have no problem dropping the crap people out of my life. I was just a young kid when I realized that no matter who comes into your life, sometimes they aren't meant to stay there. They may be there to teach you something...but that might very well be the only reason they are there. I also learned early to get rid of the people who are nothing but trouble. However, I have made mistakes in the past by not dropping these people early enough. I have naively believed a time or two that some people weren't really like the rumors said they were or that I saw they were. I soon learned my lesson and now remember to trust my better instinct.

I do not lord over my friends and basically demand them to be my subjects: As a friend, I know there are some people I don't like or particularly care whom my friends are friends with (and vice versa). I am ok with this. I know that the reason my friends hang out with these people are because they have something in common with them and I don't. I personally don't care whom my friends are friends with and hang out with...regardless of my feelings for them. I can be polite to them when I see them but I also know I am not forced to like them. So I don't demand that my friends never talk to or hang out with these people. I also don't tell my friends what crap they are when they do. I never don't write nasty notes or spread rumors about them...just because they are friends with someone I don't like. For this reason, I still have many of the friends I have had for years. It is also the reason I don't lose friends left and right. It is the reason I am not friendless and the reason I am not constantly having to find new friends when the current ones figure out and get sick of my crap.

I do not demand others to be my friend in order to see my family: I have and will never make such a stupid rule that states that anyone who wants to see my family has like me and/or be my friend. I know not everyone is going to like me...which I am ok with. I haven't met all my husband's friends yet...but those I have, I don't really care if they liked me or not. I knew they would be a part of my life and my kids' because of their friendship with my husband. I know that any new friends my husband makes may or may not like me...but I will have to deal with them and they will see my kids. If my children happens to get attached to someone, I would never force them out of my kids' life simply because they didn't like me. I find this to be a ridiculous thing....but something so many selfish people do.

I do not blame others for the things that are wrong in my life: I learned a long time ago that the misery loves company. So when something is going wrong in other people's lives and they see your life is going great, they will do anything to bring you down. I have been a few people's scapegoat and I just simply have to laugh. I know I am not the reason their life is shit...they are. So I simply don't get upset. Just like when crap goes wrong in my life, even if it frustrates me, I accept it and learn from the experience. Yes, I admit my life isn't perfect. But no matter how many bad days I have, I just look at my life and realize one or two bad days here and there aren't that big of a deal...in comparison to how amazing my life actually is.

I do not regret being a stay-at-home mom or a college mom: I loved being home with my kids when they were younger. I went through it all...especially with having kids so close together. I went through the fighting and bickering stages, the twin talk and plotting, the trouble making and silly moments, through it all. However, I understood when my children reached an age when they didn't need me as much. They were about to start school and needed the social interaction. It was at this point that I decided to go back to school. It was an awesome decision not just for me..but for my family as well. My college degree will benefit my family and I so much. Going to college with 2 school aged children is challenging at times but worth it. It is also about to get more challenging here in the next year and I honestly can't wait to start this next chapter in our lives.

I do not regret my life or anything in it: My life may not have been perfect and I may have had made mistakes, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I have had good times and bad times. I have had happy and sad times. These moments have shaped me. No matter how many bad days or "bad" times, the good days and times still out way the bad. My life is overall happy, fun, full of laughter and love, and totally perfect for me! I can say this all with confidence because it is irrevocably the truth. (Can you? Can you say anything about yours like I can?)

I do not tell the world (aka social media sites) everything that happens in my life: I do not post everything that happens in my life. I do not post every bad thing or moment in my life because I do not need the attention. I do not post every good thing in my life because I don't need the validation or attention. Good or bad moments, I know when and what they are and so does my family. That is all the people who really need to know.

This is my reflection of my life, the past, present and possibly the future. I have aired my dirty laundry out. I have admit I am not perfect, do not have the perfect life or relationship. I have flaws and make mistakes. Simply put I am human. However there are things I don't and would never do. I have addressed many rumors and given the truth on them. I am have given reflection and truths on my family, relationship and myself as a person. This is me, and my truths. Hate me or love me, I will still be me. I will still give my all to my family and friends. I will still continue to live and enjoy my life.

Reflection of a brief moment in my life

These past 8 yrs of my life have been crazy, wonderful, sad, maddening, and eventful. I have been to many places I never thought I would go emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have been to a few big cities. I have lived in a big city. I have moved from here to there, and there to here. I have experienced many joyful wonderful moments. And I have experienced many heartbreaking and soul shattering moments. I have met many interesting people and learned many interesting things from them. I have gained and lost friends. Every person in my life, whether they were here for a moment or a long time, has taught me lessons and experiences that I will carry with me for a lifetime.

My life has change in big ways at times as well as lil ways. I have earned scars and stories. I have earned my place as a college student, mom, and wife. I will never stop fighting for what I want nor will I stop fighting for the things I believe in. I am have stayed true to who I am and have never changed the core parts of my being.

I am me and I refuse to be anyone else. My life has been crazy at times but it is still my life and it is so worth living.

Rocking the school thing

Today I was talking to a fellow classmate of mine and he paid me an excellent complement. We were waiting outside our class, waiting to go in. It is the last class of the day for us and it is the most boring. He said how he felt it was so early and I made the remark about it actually felt so late to me. I was so tired from only getting 2 hours of sleep last night. We talked a lil bit about my insomnia (which I have had most of my life) and the fact that I have children. I told him that even though I am a full time student, I am also a full time mom with 2 kids. He kind of looked at me in wonder and said "If you can go to school and keep up with insomnia and kids, then the rest of us have nothing to complain about!" This kind of took me by surprise but upon reflection, he is right.

I am going to one of the top (& toughest) Engineering schools for a very hard yet rewarding degree and I am doing it as a full time mother/wife. I spend most nights helping my son w/ his homework, getting a few minutes in w/ them as mommy and then doing my own homework. I have very little free time to do much else. I work hard for my degree and I work just as hard for my kids as mommy. Like my husband said, I have a lot on my plate and yet I somehow manage to do it all. I know at the moment things may seem stressful...but I know the pay off will be so much better. 

I also enjoy learning all the new things that I do. I enjoy meeting the people that I do. People find me intimidating at first because I don't look like the "typical student," however, within a week or two, everyone realizes that I do have a brain and I am an actual person w/ a personality. I also have my shit together.

I am not the typical college student. I do not look like the typical college student, especially at my school. However I am a college student w/ the typical college student stress plus a lil extra. I know I will get thru this all. Why? Because I have been driven to get thru it thus far. I am driven to get thru it no matter.

Luckily for me I know I have a great support system. My family and friends all behind me on this and are so encouraging. Even my kids are part of my support system, with all their love. My biggest fan is still my husband tho. He tells me all the time how proud of me he is and how he brags about me all the time. He has been beside me the whole time for this and I know he will continue to be.

Pet peeves...

Rant moment....here are a few things that seriously piss me off about ppl and kids.

Your children are children...not your friend: I have often heard ppl say their children (who are under 18yrs old) are their "best friends."  No, they are your children. Your child should not have to fulfill your need for social interaction. They should only have to fulfill one thing in their life...being kids. If you have no friends...that is your issue not theirs. Deal with it. Assess why you have no friends and make the necessary adjustments, but do not pin that obligation on your child. In other words, grow up.

Your children are still children...not your "love": Children love their parents unconditionally (even when they do not deserve it) and give that love freely. While I agree children are one of the loves of any parent's life, it absolutely drives me bonkers when ppl (mostly girls) say their children are the loves of their lives especially when they have just been dumped by baby daddy/last lover. Your children should not have to fulfill your need for love. If you can't find love or get love, that is your problem. Not your child. Figure out your issues and deal w/ them but do not pin your need for love on your kids. You are suppose to shower them with love because that is your job, not the other way around. So in other words, grow up.

Your children are children...not bargaining chips or dollar signs: Children are not cash cows or way for you to hold your baby daddy/mama/most recent lover. Just because a guy/girl has sex with you or "in a relationship" with you does not mean they actually love you and want to be with you. I know many guys and girls who stay with their significant other because of the child. And yes the other person uses this to their advantage which is just plain wrong. If someone is forced to stay in the relationship because of a child, guarantee you they don't like you and will resent you. That unhappiness filters into everything and the child can see the unhappiness, anger, resentment and sometimes, out right hate for the other person. You aren't helping the child but simply damaging them. And people who get pregnant and have kids simply because it will bring them more money especially due to child support are beyond stupid and ridiculous. Children will not save your marriage/relationship and they are not your "money makers." Grow up  and realize that the relationship is over and move on. Also find some other way to get money....oh like get a JOB!

Another thing that seriously ticks me off: Buying gifts for your kids (whether that be for their b-day, Christmas, Easter, etc.) and then taking the gift away and selling it a month or so (or even less than a month) later (and making them watch their stuff get sold) simply because you couldn't afford it in the first place. If you can't afford it, don't get it. Otherwise if you do get it, taking something away of yours and sell it, not your kids' brand new toys. Electronics sell way better than toys anyway! I would rather sell off all my expensive electronics before I would ever take away any of my children's toys especially the new ones. Hell I would sell my most precious items before I would ever take away a toy that was a gift to them. A kid should never have to wonder when their new toys or any of their toys for that matter are going to be taken away from them to be sold (and I am not talking about the non-played with toys). How cruel can you get?! If your finances don't allow for you to buy your child a gift, then save up until you can. Or get your crap together so you can i.e. Get A JOB!!! Pawn that computer you have so you can get them something if you must, but don't ever buy something for your child and then take it away to be sold. So in other words, grow up and be the adult. Sell your crap first and don't leave your child wanting for something or wondering why their toys have to be sold while you continue to buy a bunch of crap for yourself or play on your computer.

So to conclude my lil rant: Children are freaking children. They are not bargaining chips, cash cows, your bff, or the "love of your life" simply because you got dumped. Grow up and realize these things. Being a parent is about sacrifice. Meaning the adult sacrifices things for their child so their child can have a wonderful life. Not the other way around. Sacrifice the things you have/want/need so your child can have what they have/want/need. But don't ever take something away from them especially a gift, simply because you are too selfish to give up anything you have or to lazy to get a job to pay your bills.  So grow up and be adults!!!

Relaxation? What is that?

What a crazy last few months we have had. Our family has been busy w/ everything we have going on. Getting a moment to breathe is a rare let alone having a break. Oh my. So I am taking a break to breathe and write a blog.

My summer was super crazy and so busy. I decided to take a summer class, (a required class I had to take anyway) and I am both glad and not so glad I did. My class was 2hrs a day for 4 days a wk. Mon-Thurs...starting at 8 am. That is a lot of time to spend at school...and also a lot of homework time since I had 4hrs worth every night. It was a lot to ask of myself and my family. Going to school in the summer kept me from my kids for a part of the time...but it wasn't all bad for them. They were able to spend their summer playing outside, having a few adventures of their own. They spent time w/ their Aunts (from both sides) and their Uncles. They got to grow their own independent spirits which I am super happy about. While I spent a lot of time on my schooling (and paper. Started w/ a brand new 5 subject notebook and at the end of my 2 months of summer school, I had used 2.5 "subject" sections), it was worth it. I got that class over and done w/ right away and w/ no other class to worry about.

Now I am back at school for my "third semester" of college and man has it been super busy. I took my first test 3 wks into the new semester and have had at least one test every wk since then. I have another test this wk which means that I have had a month of tests. Lol. I am enjoying most of my classes this semester including the one I thought I probably wouldn't. I really must admit I really love programming and writing my own code. Who would of thunk it? But I also am regretting not paying attention to my husband all these yrs. Well I wish I would have at least paid more attention. Lol. Oh well. Gives Levi and I something else to talk about and have in common. I am even teaching him somethings. Lol.

We have also had a big adjustment in our house. The oldest has started kindergarten this yr. This has been a hard adjustment on my kids as they are basically like twins and are literally each others best friend. Being separated from each other for long periods of time was difficult situation for them to over come but it seems they have finally come to terms w/ this and are even enjoying it. It is given them a chance to grow as individuals. The oldest also loves it. He comes home and tells us that he learned "everything" when we ask him what he learned for the day. And he says it in a very matter of fact way. Lol.

Another exciting thing for our family: it looks like a family from a far is moving up here this way. They stayed w/ us for about a wk while they had a look around and looked at some places. It was wonderful. The kids played together and us adults were able to catch up w/ each other. We also had a wonderful "crazy night" when we all went out to chuck e cheese's. The kids had a blast. We are hoping they are able to move soon. It is going to be so wonderful to have them up here. Levi will be able to see and hang out w/ the cousins he grew up w/. The kids can all play together and have play dates. And I, for one, fully plan on having a girls-night and take my cousin-in-law out around the town.

I really must also admit I am enjoying my last 4 days off from school. Jack Frost gave us an epic snow day to be remembered. The huge snow drift in front of my house and the fallen tree have proven that. Altho the 27hrs of no heat sucked...but we all survived and proved we are pretty ingenious when it comes down to things. Tea candles are for more than just lighting up jack-o'-lanterns. Lol.

Now back to my crazy life and busy schedule. Hoping things settle down soon so I can take a much needed breather.