My biggest losses

As I look into the eyes of my newborn, I am filled with such joy and happiness. My lil girl is everything I could hope for. Just like her siblings, she is quiet and content to just to be held. But as I hold her, I am also filled with the tinges of sadness and regret for a child I will never meet and only carried for a brief time.
Yes, I had a miscarriage shortly before my daughter and sadly, it wasn't my first. I had a miscarriage shortly before I became pregnant with my oldest child. I was just beginning to think I might be pregnant when it happened. It was devastating and left me in shock. But I didn't have kids and I hadn't experienced a full pregnancy, so mostly it just left me sad at what could of been. A lost blimp of hope. An unknown baby with unknown promise.

However, my other miscarriage happened after I had carried to term 3 beautiful souls. Three times I felt their growing presence. Three times I felt all their little kicks and movements. Three times I had pushed living pieces of my heart out of my body and into this world. Three times I got to meet three beautiful and wonderful creatures. So when I saw the positive mark on the test, I simply couldn't understand why I was so hesitant to tell anyone but my husband despite my extreme happiness. Unfortunately, I would discover what my intuition already knew a week later.

Losing that baby was beyond devastating to me. And to my husband. I was left in a fog of despair that simply refused to lift. But having my husband there, feeling what I felt, helped me so much. I had him to lean on and support me through it all. He was my anchor through that storm of turmoil, darkness and devastation. He understood even when I couldn't even explain anything. We lost another beautiful but unknown baby.

So I look at my newborn and feel so much love and joy with her. But I also feel that tinge of sadness and regret at what could have been for both of my babies I lost. I simply just can't help but wonder what their laughs would have sounded like. Or how their smiles would have lit up their face. Or what they were, boy or girl? Would they have the kind and caring heart like my oldest son? Or would they be the daredevil like my second son? Would they have the independent streak like my oldest daughter? Or would they have the mixture looks of their older siblings, like my newborn does? Regardless, those 2 babies, my lil starlights, have a piece of my heart.