Pregnancy and birth

I honestly wish I could write down every moment, every second of this pregnancy, good and bad, simply so I could remember it all in great detail. As always, it was a beautiful experience for me even if it started out kind of scary.

I found out I was pregnant shortly after my miscarriage. While I was very happy to be pregnant, I was also terrified of losing this baby too. This led my husband and I to not tell anyone we were expecting until shortly before the doctors appointment. I can't even explain the relief the sound of that lil heartbeat brought out in me.

Much like my other pregnancies, I experienced nausea through out the whole thing but not as strongly as the other ones. And of course, I experienced the normal (for me) extreme hip and back pain. However this one was different in how the baby would sit. The baby sat low and between my hips the whole time. I often felt kicks to my bladder and cervix (ouch) which I felt most often during my 11 o'clock class. (She didn't like thermodynamics...I didn't either). When she got bigger, she still preferred to stay low which helped with breathing but not the heartburn. God, did the heartburn suck. And her hiccups would cause my belly to look like it was pulsating. It made me giggle every time.

We once again opted to find out what we were having due to my husband wishes. His theory is if we didn't find out with the first 2 and they were boys...then if we find out with the last 2, they will be girls. His theory seemed to prove right. He was so happy and excited. I was too. But once again, the boys were even more happy. They both wanted a second sister and they were getting it. My daughter, being less than a yr, was content to just play and giggle.

As my belly grew, so did the kids' excitement. They would ask about the baby and when she was going to be here. They also talked about holding her and taking care of her. My daughter also got clinger and demanded more Mommy time. I was happy to accommodate her as I knew I was also about to lose a lot of our cuddle time. This, of course, meant I spent a lot of late nights doing homework since I would push it off until all the kids went to bed. And being a full time college student meant I had a lot of homework. More than I care to even think about. But I managed it.

This time around I went a full school year pregnant and made it through without any issues...which is good and kind of crazy if you think about it. The fall semester was full of labs, constant tests and group semester project/presentation. The spring semester was full of extreme demands from me. From a class that was nothing but group semester project to another class that was labs built on labs and another final group project plus all normal tests and homework...my life was really crazy and complicated. That last month was so incredibly busy and stressful. And no one really knew I was pregnant but a select few people like my group members. (Altho I think my professors figured it out when I walked in the last week with no hoodies and a big belly. Lol). I ended the school year at 8 months pregnant and so ready for a break but still a need to get other things ready.

I had a full month to get the house in order and to relax with just my kids. I got the time I needed with my oldest daughter who was about to become a big sister. It was the month I truly needed...even tho I did get kind of anxious to meet my new baby .

So I once again, opted to be induced like I did with my oldest daughter...but once again, it didn't matter. I was having contractions well before I went in which is probably why everything went so quickly and why my doctors prediction came true. I got the induction medicine in about an hr and a half after I got to the hospital. My water was broken an hr after that and I quickly got my epidural which I was very quickly grateful for. By the time I had gotten my epidural I hadn't slept in well over 24 hrs and had very lil naps to sustain me from the day (and night) before. So I was exhausted and knew I still had pushing to do. So I tried to nap as much as I could (which ended up being a minute at a time....maybe 3 to 5 if I was lucky).

See, every time I get an epidural, it ends up work immediately on my right side. However it takes time to reach my left side...more specifically my left hip/joint area. With my oldest child, it took effect only after they rolled me on my left side and gave me a button to push. With my second son, it took a lot longer than the first because they rolled me to right side first. And with my oldest daughter, I was never fully numb there. I always felt a lil bit of pressure and could feel the catheter the entire time. I also felt the ring of fire when I was pushing her out. With this last one, I felt a constant sharp pain in my joint, like a knife jabbing with every contraction. It never went away even when I pushed the button.

I would later realize it was actually my baby's head pushing on a nerve with every contraction. However, I wouldn't realize this until they came to check me when I told them I think it was time to push. The induction medicine took effect fast and all of a sudden on one of the contractions, I felt a lot of pressure. I told my husband I need the nurse to come check me. They confirmed that I was fully dilated and ready and they (being the nurses and resident doctors helping my doctor) all left to get things ready and to call the doctor. At which point I felt another contraction and a very strong urge to push. I told Levi that nope I wasn't just ready, I needed to push and they needed to get back here. My doctor arrived basically to just catch my daughter as with a few pushes she was out and I had delivered before noon like my doctor predicted. Literally this was all in less than 10 minutes.

My doctors and nurses were quiet shocked actually at how well and fast things went. My nurses and resident doctors kept talking about how calm I was both during my labor and my delivery. My doctor was like 'nope. She is pretty chill about it all.' And honestly having the same doctor for and deliver all 4 kids was awesome.

So my fourth and last pregnancy has come to an end. I will honestly miss being pregnant as I really did love it. I will miss all the kicks, and movements. I will even miss the hiccups that made my belly shake...even at 4 am. But I now have my baby to hold and love. And that makes me so happy.

My biggest losses

As I look into the eyes of my newborn, I am filled with such joy and happiness. My lil girl is everything I could hope for. Just like her siblings, she is quiet and content to just to be held. But as I hold her, I am also filled with the tinges of sadness and regret for a child I will never meet and only carried for a brief time.
Yes, I had a miscarriage shortly before my daughter and sadly, it wasn't my first. I had a miscarriage shortly before I became pregnant with my oldest child. I was just beginning to think I might be pregnant when it happened. It was devastating and left me in shock. But I didn't have kids and I hadn't experienced a full pregnancy, so mostly it just left me sad at what could of been. A lost blimp of hope. An unknown baby with unknown promise.

However, my other miscarriage happened after I had carried to term 3 beautiful souls. Three times I felt their growing presence. Three times I felt all their little kicks and movements. Three times I had pushed living pieces of my heart out of my body and into this world. Three times I got to meet three beautiful and wonderful creatures. So when I saw the positive mark on the test, I simply couldn't understand why I was so hesitant to tell anyone but my husband despite my extreme happiness. Unfortunately, I would discover what my intuition already knew a week later.

Losing that baby was beyond devastating to me. And to my husband. I was left in a fog of despair that simply refused to lift. But having my husband there, feeling what I felt, helped me so much. I had him to lean on and support me through it all. He was my anchor through that storm of turmoil, darkness and devastation. He understood even when I couldn't even explain anything. We lost another beautiful but unknown baby.

So I look at my newborn and feel so much love and joy with her. But I also feel that tinge of sadness and regret at what could have been for both of my babies I lost. I simply just can't help but wonder what their laughs would have sounded like. Or how their smiles would have lit up their face. Or what they were, boy or girl? Would they have the kind and caring heart like my oldest son? Or would they be the daredevil like my second son? Would they have the independent streak like my oldest daughter? Or would they have the mixture looks of their older siblings, like my newborn does? Regardless, those 2 babies, my lil starlights, have a piece of my heart.